Let Freedom Ring

I'm a writer. This is my first blog that I'm writing because I stopped a conversation I was in to write what was going through my head. That makes me an official writer. hehe

What does it mean for you to live in Freedom? Do you know what you are captive to? What do you fill your heart with? I'm afraid of what God will allow to come in and out of my life/heart therefore I like to try and help God with what goes in and out. Boils down to fear again... I'm afraid of the depths of my heart. Afraid to be sensitive because I'm afraid of all the pain that will come from feeling more. Don't even concern myself with the depths of joy that I don't have access to because of my fears. I'm afraid of letting someone love me deeply because I'm fearful of being hurt. Done it once before and it was super painful when they lied to me and then broke up with me. I'm afraid of people who tell little white lies because I'm fearful that they're not trustworthy. I'm afraid of disappointing others. I'm afraid to be a speaker because I'm afraid of not knowing all the answers, criticism of my work and doing something wrong.

Growing up my mom struggled with anger. Today I recognized that when I'm angry it's that I'm really disappointed in myself or someone else. I think there's something else that's deeper though because although I'm able to recognize my many disappointments in life I'm not completely free in Christ. There's more. I think I also have a fear that God will not provide me with what I need emotionally. My mom always provided me with what I need physically BUT she didn't provide me with what I needed emotionally or spiritually. One reason why I try to protect my heart from others and why I feel like I need to control relationships in order to not get hurt. AND why I struggle with allowing God into the depths of my heart.

I watched this play a couple of years ago where this girl's heart was symbolized by an orange. She carried the orange with her everywhere she went. Wrapped it in foil after her parents divorce to try and keep it safe. After her first boyfriend broke up with her, her heart was then symbolized by an orange wrapped in foil and a stake in it. The play was a very powerful example of how tender our hearts are and how life affects our oranges. When the girl accepted Jesus into her life she was given a new orange and God said something to her about I'll help you from here on out to keep this safe... It will never be like it once was. I'm sure that God also said something like I'll help you from here on on with what you put into your heart, you just have to say the word... Freedom in living a relationship with God is allowing Him to control COMPLETELY how we respond to what's sent our way. When someone hurts you, is God the first to know how it feels? Perhaps He should be? Perhaps God wants to show you more of who He is? When someone disappoints you, who do you tell first? God can handle what you are really thinking and feeling in that moment. Do you tell Him all? When someone doesn't meet your expectation for them, how do you respond? Remember God is in control of every moment, situation and relationship that you have. Trust Him and LIVE IN FREEDOM that He can control anything that comes your way AND listen to anything you have to say about it. HE is sovereign over all the earth.

No Fear

So I'm finally admitting that I live in fear...

Fear of whether or not my boss will let me take a week of vaca next week.
Fear of whether or not I'm oversharing as my friend Jenny likes to say.
Fear of what people think of my house when they come over.
Fear of opening up my heart too much in friendships and getting hurt.
Fear of writing something that might eventually be used against me.
Fear of a new friend not liking me.
Fear of a friend not being there when I call and really need to talk.
Fear of getting hurt by a friend.
Fear of not having enough.
Fear of missing a great party.
Fear of not being invited to something.
Fear of not doing my best.
Fear of communicating what's on my heart and being rejected.
Fear of being rejected.
Fear of my life being complicated.
Fear of instability.
Fear of not being cool. (That drinking beer and cussing is cooler than loving God.)

I think some of this comes from the PTSD and my need to try and control things in my life and I think some comes from filling my heart with idols instead of God and lastly from my work with my two former employers. (They both demanded perfection on the first time)

God please take these burdens away from my soul. I trust in Matthew 11:28 that you will make my yoke easy if I turn to You. I'm going to try for the next week to not live in any bit of fear. My hope is that my life will change in the following way because of it...

My house will look drastically different. It might actually look like a home now without so much STUFF! That I will have worked on this blog a lot to get it ready to be released. That I will have read a book and wrote a ton in my journal. That I will choose taking care of me spiritually first and others needs second for a week. That I'll let men pursue me and pursue God before men. That I will love my friends well and allow the Holy Spirit to reign in me. That I will have really faced the PTSD and called on my friends to help me through once I've run to God with all the worries PTSD has brought. That I will pray, pray, pray... about switching churches, speaking to my pastor, for my parents healing, for my friends in relationships considering marriage & simply relationships surrounding my life.