That's what this blog was always supposed to be about. I was going to tell you about the world through my Grandma's eyes. Now, I'm finally at a spot where I'm capable emotionally and mentally to do so.
Yesterday I had a wonderful visit with my Grandparents. They are SO wise. One thing we talked about was the QB at Medina and how he got busted for drinking at homecoming.
My grandparents were mad but then realized, no what this kid needs is tough love. So he knows it's okay to make mistakes. obviously better not to make mistakes at all but if you no you are not a failure.
All this makes me think about mentor school sysstem right now and how they are loosing students left and right to suicide. Not the school system's fault but they are the ones getting sued for it because the parents think their kids were bullied and that's why they killed themselves. Hear me say, I don't think that is the only reason why they took their own lives. If someone at your childs school takes their own lives... please have a family dinner that night. Then, take your kid out for a "date" to the movies to dinner, to WHEVERE... THEY NEED YOUR LOVE at that age regardless of whether or not they are thinking about suicide.
I'm going to work to carry on the greatest generation that ever lived. Will you join me?
10.14.2010
10.26.2008
I want to raise my kids with international awareness. My family is one of the greatest on earth. Yes. I really do believe this however my parents did not help me to learn and figure out my thoughts on world affairs on my own. Something they did however do a little too well was raise me to be very humble. Ironic that I'm stating this in the most public of publics however I'm having to learn a strong balance in the big city of how to establish yourself if you don't share about your past or present. So I'm learning to surround myself with folk who enjoy discussing world affairs have been outside our country, can speak a foreign language and care about making our world and country a better place.
10.23.2008
I'm tired of being the warrior
I want to be just captivating. I'm tired of fighting for myself. I want to fight for someone else and someone else to fight for me.
9.19.2008
AH... the Ex
So my little brother just moved to Denver last week to be with his girlfriend. He doesn't have a job or a place to live. Which has ignited the big sister in me to call everyone I know who's lived in Denver or lives in Denver and ask them if they can help my brother establish himself there. Totally not their responsibility but it has been helping him to get established a bit quicker. In the process of this I sent an e-mail to my ex boyfriends older sister who lives out in Denver. Honestly I don't know how I didn't think about him for a second when I thought about reaching out to her. She and I established a friendship while I dated her brother but once my relationship with him ended I knew ours had to as well. That is up until this spring when her husband got cancer and they sent me regular updates on how I could be praying for him. When my brother moved after a week or so of trying to rack my brain to think about everyone I knew who lived in Denver I remembered Amanda and decided to shoot her an e-mail to see how her and Johnny were doing since Chemo and ask if they had any friends in the non-profit sector for my brother.
It was great to hear from her. They've had better years. Johnny's company was owned by Lehman Brothers which just went bankrupt so now they are both going to be looking for jobs. Then she gave me an update on their whole family. My ex included. Well people... that came as a shocker for me. I'm not sure how, but I really never anticipated hearing about my ex when I wrote her. So now that I've taken forever to develop this story you should know he's living with his girlfriend. His parents aren't happy about it but Amanda says "she's nice. -I have nothing bad to say". She went on to say, "Mom still misses you and really no girlfriend is tops compared to you. But in the end she is happy you two moved on because she felt you deserved someone better – awful to say as a mother, but I totally agree. No offense to (your ex/my brother), but he’s a bit shallow and we both pray you find someone who truly knows what a treasure he has in you." At the end she said she hoped she hadn't shared too much.
My initial reaction was shock. I'm still processing the rest so thanks for letting me process with you. This relationship was by far the most difficult and has left the greatest impact on my life. Lately I've been praying that I would be able to totally forgive my ex so as to no longer let this relationship effect my life. I think I've made progress but since he and I do not speak it's very difficult to know whether or not I've achieved my goal. A wise person once told me that I'll know I've forgiven him completely when I hear about something good that's happened in his life and my gut reaction was happiness. Amanda also sent a picture of the entire family... I of course I analyzed every bit of the new girlfriends photo. I bet Amanda's right about her being nice. She also looks like an air headed, football cheerleader. So... that's not exactly the best response one could have. Here are some of my other thoughts... it's probably REALLY good for him to live with someone else because that forces you to not be so selfish. Second, I'm happy that he has a girl friend since I now understand why he didn't date too much before me. Third, she looks like she is probably good for him. Let me explain... Because of his line of work this girl is either really, really stinkin' smart or he really did pick her up at a football game. My guess is that she's actually a really intelligent girl. So, because of that I hope that she stands up to him and does not allow him to destroy her heart. My second guess is that she does stand up for herself and that's why they are perfect for each other. I pray that he would want what's best for her and not think of himself first. Conclusion - that he is good, she is good for him and lastly that I'm happy for him since he is good.
Do I have major issues with guys that have egos now? yeah, but in this whole process God has been opening my eyes to see the fine lines of our egos and helping me to have wisdom to discern the egos of those in my life. I do feel like I've mostly forgiven him. In all honesty I think that I've healed... When I read through Amanda's e-mail I cried a bit because I have a hard time believing that I'll find the man they are praying for soon but then my mind quickly changed to questions about how my ex is doing. To me this is a good sign of how far my heart has come. I am genuinely curious about what he's up to these days.
It was great to hear from her. They've had better years. Johnny's company was owned by Lehman Brothers which just went bankrupt so now they are both going to be looking for jobs. Then she gave me an update on their whole family. My ex included. Well people... that came as a shocker for me. I'm not sure how, but I really never anticipated hearing about my ex when I wrote her. So now that I've taken forever to develop this story you should know he's living with his girlfriend. His parents aren't happy about it but Amanda says "she's nice. -I have nothing bad to say". She went on to say, "Mom still misses you and really no girlfriend is tops compared to you. But in the end she is happy you two moved on because she felt you deserved someone better – awful to say as a mother, but I totally agree. No offense to (your ex/my brother), but he’s a bit shallow and we both pray you find someone who truly knows what a treasure he has in you." At the end she said she hoped she hadn't shared too much.
My initial reaction was shock. I'm still processing the rest so thanks for letting me process with you. This relationship was by far the most difficult and has left the greatest impact on my life. Lately I've been praying that I would be able to totally forgive my ex so as to no longer let this relationship effect my life. I think I've made progress but since he and I do not speak it's very difficult to know whether or not I've achieved my goal. A wise person once told me that I'll know I've forgiven him completely when I hear about something good that's happened in his life and my gut reaction was happiness. Amanda also sent a picture of the entire family... I of course I analyzed every bit of the new girlfriends photo. I bet Amanda's right about her being nice. She also looks like an air headed, football cheerleader. So... that's not exactly the best response one could have. Here are some of my other thoughts... it's probably REALLY good for him to live with someone else because that forces you to not be so selfish. Second, I'm happy that he has a girl friend since I now understand why he didn't date too much before me. Third, she looks like she is probably good for him. Let me explain... Because of his line of work this girl is either really, really stinkin' smart or he really did pick her up at a football game. My guess is that she's actually a really intelligent girl. So, because of that I hope that she stands up to him and does not allow him to destroy her heart. My second guess is that she does stand up for herself and that's why they are perfect for each other. I pray that he would want what's best for her and not think of himself first. Conclusion - that he is good, she is good for him and lastly that I'm happy for him since he is good.
Do I have major issues with guys that have egos now? yeah, but in this whole process God has been opening my eyes to see the fine lines of our egos and helping me to have wisdom to discern the egos of those in my life. I do feel like I've mostly forgiven him. In all honesty I think that I've healed... When I read through Amanda's e-mail I cried a bit because I have a hard time believing that I'll find the man they are praying for soon but then my mind quickly changed to questions about how my ex is doing. To me this is a good sign of how far my heart has come. I am genuinely curious about what he's up to these days.
9.18.2008
Figuring out how to love me
This has been an incredible task for me over the last two months. With the PTSD I haven't really been able to not love me. If I don't sleep well I really don't accomplish much in the day unless I can get a nap. Lack of sleep also leads to a decrease in the number of times I work out during the week and the amount of time I spend with God. For me this has been a very difficult thing while working full time. Also as an outgoing person it's very difficult to escape my social circles. I'm learning though that it's okay to miss out on things AND to say that you really aren't interested in doing something. There are SO many opportunities to do things with FUN people here ALL the time. As a person who enjoys doing just about anything learning how to only do what I really want to do is hard but I'm getting there.
Do you know how to love you? Do you say no when you you are tired? Do you only go to the things you really want to go to? I understand when I ask those things that I'm encouraging you to be more selfish. Here's the thing... for me (having been submerged in this Christian Bubble here in Nashville now for 6 years) I spend all my energy on others to the point that I'm so worn out I don't take care of me and therefore become really ineffective in my ministry and friendships. So... my point in asking you whether or not you spend time reflecting and rejuvenating yourself is not to increase your selfishness but to encourage you in your ministry.
Do you know how to love you? Do you say no when you you are tired? Do you only go to the things you really want to go to? I understand when I ask those things that I'm encouraging you to be more selfish. Here's the thing... for me (having been submerged in this Christian Bubble here in Nashville now for 6 years) I spend all my energy on others to the point that I'm so worn out I don't take care of me and therefore become really ineffective in my ministry and friendships. So... my point in asking you whether or not you spend time reflecting and rejuvenating yourself is not to increase your selfishness but to encourage you in your ministry.
9.17.2008
Stability
So I just met this guy that I think is awesome. Not in that way... well maybe but most of all I'm really excited because he's a democrat, versed in world affairs and knew a word in French that I didn't even know! He's lived outside of the country for a while and even hangs out with FBI agents on a regular basis.
Since we parted this evening I've been thinking gosh I'd really like to talk about world affairs with him... While we were at this dinner party an attendee was quoting the movie Wayne's World and I thought... What's great about my new friend is that I'd be willing to bet $ that he can't quote many movie lines. Ha! So many of my friends here in this town that I love and hate depending on the day could creme any of you all on just about every single Trivial Pursuit Entertainment question there is.
These thoughts led me to think about what I'd like to talk about with him since I haven't really pursued World Affairs/ Politics lately. Then I got to thinking about what am I passionate about in life and why have I not worked on some of my political aspirations or passions. My answer arose from my inability to get over my fear of instability. I grew up in such a financially stable environment where the man of the house was 100% responsible for the well being of the family that as an adult woman I've had a VERY hard time pursuing my passions because I've felt like I needed to pursue job stability. However I haven't had much job stability in the last two places of employment so I'm not able to say, "Over the last three years I haven't pursued my dreams because I needed to have a stable life financially." What I can say is that I pursued what God had for me and that was to grow in my faith rather than in my earthly career. Truth be told I just don't have enough energy to pursue my passions after I get done with work AND besides that I also jump from one interest to the next depending on who I'm hanging out with. Tonight I realized I want to finish reading Three Cups of Tea because I'm interested in the story not because I just met someone who shares similar interests. Although I must admit... I finally told a friend that I might as well be a democrat. Then kindly asked her not to tell anyone because my family might disown me.
Since we parted this evening I've been thinking gosh I'd really like to talk about world affairs with him... While we were at this dinner party an attendee was quoting the movie Wayne's World and I thought... What's great about my new friend is that I'd be willing to bet $ that he can't quote many movie lines. Ha! So many of my friends here in this town that I love and hate depending on the day could creme any of you all on just about every single Trivial Pursuit Entertainment question there is.
These thoughts led me to think about what I'd like to talk about with him since I haven't really pursued World Affairs/ Politics lately. Then I got to thinking about what am I passionate about in life and why have I not worked on some of my political aspirations or passions. My answer arose from my inability to get over my fear of instability. I grew up in such a financially stable environment where the man of the house was 100% responsible for the well being of the family that as an adult woman I've had a VERY hard time pursuing my passions because I've felt like I needed to pursue job stability. However I haven't had much job stability in the last two places of employment so I'm not able to say, "Over the last three years I haven't pursued my dreams because I needed to have a stable life financially." What I can say is that I pursued what God had for me and that was to grow in my faith rather than in my earthly career. Truth be told I just don't have enough energy to pursue my passions after I get done with work AND besides that I also jump from one interest to the next depending on who I'm hanging out with. Tonight I realized I want to finish reading Three Cups of Tea because I'm interested in the story not because I just met someone who shares similar interests. Although I must admit... I finally told a friend that I might as well be a democrat. Then kindly asked her not to tell anyone because my family might disown me.
Questions
Why would God take someone who inspires thousands of people to live peacefully and more obediently? Seriously! There is a guy out in San Diego named Will Boyd. He's inspiring and selfless. Literally he spent an hour with me (in an effort to get to know each other...) asking me questions about what I really wanted to do in life and what I was passionate about. How many people do you know who ask you these questions the very first time they meet you?
Lord I pray for my friend Will now that you would help the food and vitamins he's taking heal his heart. Give him strength to complete the walks that he must take. Give ER endurance, patience, understanding and love to support him through this season. Lord I pray that you would heal him so that he may continue to proclaim your good news. I know I'm supposed to pray for your will to be done but God I pray that your will would be for Will to continue living. Lord I pray for James as he is so far away right now. Lord comfort him during this time. God comfort Will. I'm sure you know that his body hurts. God help all of us to see this through your eyes. I ask all this in Jesus name. Amen.
Lord I pray for my friend Will now that you would help the food and vitamins he's taking heal his heart. Give him strength to complete the walks that he must take. Give ER endurance, patience, understanding and love to support him through this season. Lord I pray that you would heal him so that he may continue to proclaim your good news. I know I'm supposed to pray for your will to be done but God I pray that your will would be for Will to continue living. Lord I pray for James as he is so far away right now. Lord comfort him during this time. God comfort Will. I'm sure you know that his body hurts. God help all of us to see this through your eyes. I ask all this in Jesus name. Amen.
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