I want to raise my kids with international awareness. My family is one of the greatest on earth. Yes. I really do believe this however my parents did not help me to learn and figure out my thoughts on world affairs on my own. Something they did however do a little too well was raise me to be very humble. Ironic that I'm stating this in the most public of publics however I'm having to learn a strong balance in the big city of how to establish yourself if you don't share about your past or present. So I'm learning to surround myself with folk who enjoy discussing world affairs have been outside our country, can speak a foreign language and care about making our world and country a better place.

I'm tired of being the warrior

I want to be just captivating. I'm tired of fighting for myself. I want to fight for someone else and someone else to fight for me.

AH... the Ex

So my little brother just moved to Denver last week to be with his girlfriend. He doesn't have a job or a place to live. Which has ignited the big sister in me to call everyone I know who's lived in Denver or lives in Denver and ask them if they can help my brother establish himself there. Totally not their responsibility but it has been helping him to get established a bit quicker. In the process of this I sent an e-mail to my ex boyfriends older sister who lives out in Denver. Honestly I don't know how I didn't think about him for a second when I thought about reaching out to her. She and I established a friendship while I dated her brother but once my relationship with him ended I knew ours had to as well. That is up until this spring when her husband got cancer and they sent me regular updates on how I could be praying for him. When my brother moved after a week or so of trying to rack my brain to think about everyone I knew who lived in Denver I remembered Amanda and decided to shoot her an e-mail to see how her and Johnny were doing since Chemo and ask if they had any friends in the non-profit sector for my brother.

It was great to hear from her. They've had better years. Johnny's company was owned by Lehman Brothers which just went bankrupt so now they are both going to be looking for jobs. Then she gave me an update on their whole family. My ex included. Well people... that came as a shocker for me. I'm not sure how, but I really never anticipated hearing about my ex when I wrote her. So now that I've taken forever to develop this story you should know he's living with his girlfriend. His parents aren't happy about it but Amanda says "she's nice. -I have nothing bad to say". She went on to say, "Mom still misses you and really no girlfriend is tops compared to you. But in the end she is happy you two moved on because she felt you deserved someone better – awful to say as a mother, but I totally agree. No offense to (your ex/my brother), but he’s a bit shallow and we both pray you find someone who truly knows what a treasure he has in you." At the end she said she hoped she hadn't shared too much.

My initial reaction was shock. I'm still processing the rest so thanks for letting me process with you. This relationship was by far the most difficult and has left the greatest impact on my life. Lately I've been praying that I would be able to totally forgive my ex so as to no longer let this relationship effect my life. I think I've made progress but since he and I do not speak it's very difficult to know whether or not I've achieved my goal. A wise person once told me that I'll know I've forgiven him completely when I hear about something good that's happened in his life and my gut reaction was happiness. Amanda also sent a picture of the entire family... I of course I analyzed every bit of the new girlfriends photo. I bet Amanda's right about her being nice. She also looks like an air headed, football cheerleader. So... that's not exactly the best response one could have. Here are some of my other thoughts... it's probably REALLY good for him to live with someone else because that forces you to not be so selfish. Second, I'm happy that he has a girl friend since I now understand why he didn't date too much before me. Third, she looks like she is probably good for him. Let me explain... Because of his line of work this girl is either really, really stinkin' smart or he really did pick her up at a football game. My guess is that she's actually a really intelligent girl. So, because of that I hope that she stands up to him and does not allow him to destroy her heart. My second guess is that she does stand up for herself and that's why they are perfect for each other. I pray that he would want what's best for her and not think of himself first. Conclusion - that he is good, she is good for him and lastly that I'm happy for him since he is good.
Do I have major issues with guys that have egos now? yeah, but in this whole process God has been opening my eyes to see the fine lines of our egos and helping me to have wisdom to discern the egos of those in my life. I do feel like I've mostly forgiven him. In all honesty I think that I've healed... When I read through Amanda's e-mail I cried a bit because I have a hard time believing that I'll find the man they are praying for soon but then my mind quickly changed to questions about how my ex is doing. To me this is a good sign of how far my heart has come. I am genuinely curious about what he's up to these days.

Figuring out how to love me

This has been an incredible task for me over the last two months. With the PTSD I haven't really been able to not love me. If I don't sleep well I really don't accomplish much in the day unless I can get a nap. Lack of sleep also leads to a decrease in the number of times I work out during the week and the amount of time I spend with God. For me this has been a very difficult thing while working full time. Also as an outgoing person it's very difficult to escape my social circles. I'm learning though that it's okay to miss out on things AND to say that you really aren't interested in doing something. There are SO many opportunities to do things with FUN people here ALL the time. As a person who enjoys doing just about anything learning how to only do what I really want to do is hard but I'm getting there.
Do you know how to love you? Do you say no when you you are tired? Do you only go to the things you really want to go to? I understand when I ask those things that I'm encouraging you to be more selfish. Here's the thing... for me (having been submerged in this Christian Bubble here in Nashville now for 6 years) I spend all my energy on others to the point that I'm so worn out I don't take care of me and therefore become really ineffective in my ministry and friendships. So... my point in asking you whether or not you spend time reflecting and rejuvenating yourself is not to increase your selfishness but to encourage you in your ministry.

Stability

So I just met this guy that I think is awesome. Not in that way... well maybe but most of all I'm really excited because he's a democrat, versed in world affairs and knew a word in French that I didn't even know! He's lived outside of the country for a while and even hangs out with FBI agents on a regular basis.

Since we parted this evening I've been thinking gosh I'd really like to talk about world affairs with him... While we were at this dinner party an attendee was quoting the movie Wayne's World and I thought... What's great about my new friend is that I'd be willing to bet $ that he can't quote many movie lines. Ha! So many of my friends here in this town that I love and hate depending on the day could creme any of you all on just about every single Trivial Pursuit Entertainment question there is.

These thoughts led me to think about what I'd like to talk about with him since I haven't really pursued World Affairs/ Politics lately. Then I got to thinking about what am I passionate about in life and why have I not worked on some of my political aspirations or passions. My answer arose from my inability to get over my fear of instability. I grew up in such a financially stable environment where the man of the house was 100% responsible for the well being of the family that as an adult woman I've had a VERY hard time pursuing my passions because I've felt like I needed to pursue job stability. However I haven't had much job stability in the last two places of employment so I'm not able to say, "Over the last three years I haven't pursued my dreams because I needed to have a stable life financially." What I can say is that I pursued what God had for me and that was to grow in my faith rather than in my earthly career. Truth be told I just don't have enough energy to pursue my passions after I get done with work AND besides that I also jump from one interest to the next depending on who I'm hanging out with. Tonight I realized I want to finish reading Three Cups of Tea because I'm interested in the story not because I just met someone who shares similar interests. Although I must admit... I finally told a friend that I might as well be a democrat. Then kindly asked her not to tell anyone because my family might disown me.

Questions

Why would God take someone who inspires thousands of people to live peacefully and more obediently? Seriously! There is a guy out in San Diego named Will Boyd. He's inspiring and selfless. Literally he spent an hour with me (in an effort to get to know each other...) asking me questions about what I really wanted to do in life and what I was passionate about. How many people do you know who ask you these questions the very first time they meet you?
Lord I pray for my friend Will now that you would help the food and vitamins he's taking heal his heart. Give him strength to complete the walks that he must take. Give ER endurance, patience, understanding and love to support him through this season. Lord I pray that you would heal him so that he may continue to proclaim your good news. I know I'm supposed to pray for your will to be done but God I pray that your will would be for Will to continue living. Lord I pray for James as he is so far away right now. Lord comfort him during this time. God comfort Will. I'm sure you know that his body hurts. God help all of us to see this through your eyes. I ask all this in Jesus name. Amen.

Let Freedom Ring

I'm a writer. This is my first blog that I'm writing because I stopped a conversation I was in to write what was going through my head. That makes me an official writer. hehe

What does it mean for you to live in Freedom? Do you know what you are captive to? What do you fill your heart with? I'm afraid of what God will allow to come in and out of my life/heart therefore I like to try and help God with what goes in and out. Boils down to fear again... I'm afraid of the depths of my heart. Afraid to be sensitive because I'm afraid of all the pain that will come from feeling more. Don't even concern myself with the depths of joy that I don't have access to because of my fears. I'm afraid of letting someone love me deeply because I'm fearful of being hurt. Done it once before and it was super painful when they lied to me and then broke up with me. I'm afraid of people who tell little white lies because I'm fearful that they're not trustworthy. I'm afraid of disappointing others. I'm afraid to be a speaker because I'm afraid of not knowing all the answers, criticism of my work and doing something wrong.

Growing up my mom struggled with anger. Today I recognized that when I'm angry it's that I'm really disappointed in myself or someone else. I think there's something else that's deeper though because although I'm able to recognize my many disappointments in life I'm not completely free in Christ. There's more. I think I also have a fear that God will not provide me with what I need emotionally. My mom always provided me with what I need physically BUT she didn't provide me with what I needed emotionally or spiritually. One reason why I try to protect my heart from others and why I feel like I need to control relationships in order to not get hurt. AND why I struggle with allowing God into the depths of my heart.

I watched this play a couple of years ago where this girl's heart was symbolized by an orange. She carried the orange with her everywhere she went. Wrapped it in foil after her parents divorce to try and keep it safe. After her first boyfriend broke up with her, her heart was then symbolized by an orange wrapped in foil and a stake in it. The play was a very powerful example of how tender our hearts are and how life affects our oranges. When the girl accepted Jesus into her life she was given a new orange and God said something to her about I'll help you from here on out to keep this safe... It will never be like it once was. I'm sure that God also said something like I'll help you from here on on with what you put into your heart, you just have to say the word... Freedom in living a relationship with God is allowing Him to control COMPLETELY how we respond to what's sent our way. When someone hurts you, is God the first to know how it feels? Perhaps He should be? Perhaps God wants to show you more of who He is? When someone disappoints you, who do you tell first? God can handle what you are really thinking and feeling in that moment. Do you tell Him all? When someone doesn't meet your expectation for them, how do you respond? Remember God is in control of every moment, situation and relationship that you have. Trust Him and LIVE IN FREEDOM that He can control anything that comes your way AND listen to anything you have to say about it. HE is sovereign over all the earth.

No Fear

So I'm finally admitting that I live in fear...

Fear of whether or not my boss will let me take a week of vaca next week.
Fear of whether or not I'm oversharing as my friend Jenny likes to say.
Fear of what people think of my house when they come over.
Fear of opening up my heart too much in friendships and getting hurt.
Fear of writing something that might eventually be used against me.
Fear of a new friend not liking me.
Fear of a friend not being there when I call and really need to talk.
Fear of getting hurt by a friend.
Fear of not having enough.
Fear of missing a great party.
Fear of not being invited to something.
Fear of not doing my best.
Fear of communicating what's on my heart and being rejected.
Fear of being rejected.
Fear of my life being complicated.
Fear of instability.
Fear of not being cool. (That drinking beer and cussing is cooler than loving God.)

I think some of this comes from the PTSD and my need to try and control things in my life and I think some comes from filling my heart with idols instead of God and lastly from my work with my two former employers. (They both demanded perfection on the first time)

God please take these burdens away from my soul. I trust in Matthew 11:28 that you will make my yoke easy if I turn to You. I'm going to try for the next week to not live in any bit of fear. My hope is that my life will change in the following way because of it...

My house will look drastically different. It might actually look like a home now without so much STUFF! That I will have worked on this blog a lot to get it ready to be released. That I will have read a book and wrote a ton in my journal. That I will choose taking care of me spiritually first and others needs second for a week. That I'll let men pursue me and pursue God before men. That I will love my friends well and allow the Holy Spirit to reign in me. That I will have really faced the PTSD and called on my friends to help me through once I've run to God with all the worries PTSD has brought. That I will pray, pray, pray... about switching churches, speaking to my pastor, for my parents healing, for my friends in relationships considering marriage & simply relationships surrounding my life.

Second Chances- God does not have an identity crisis

Could it be that God is inviting us into His lack of need?
Why do we struggle to give wholehearted second chances to people?
There are a few people that I need to forgive...

Why doesn't God struggle to give wholehearted second chances?
Could it be that it's because God desires something for me if he doesn't need something from me? God does not get glory from us. God gives us glory. God has no need outside himself.

Pain harvests righteousness and peace after wards.

God doesn't question His value. We do. God is secure.
We feel devalued all the time. If you cared about me you would not have done that. If I had a higher place in your life you would not have done that...
We begin to believe this.